Part 4: The PLU Continues...Hate is a very strong word...

Hi again...and many appologies for the long break period...got a writers block (hahaha)..nah actually I'm really busy these days and the fact that a couple of weeks back I WAS blogging and a nice one too...then all of a sudden...a BLACK OUT...just before I was able to post it...ARGGHHHH!

Anyway, that didn't made me quit entirely...especially when I got my very first comment from Nancy. Thanks a bunch Nancy...I'll try to do my best...Here's what happens next on my story...

Another week past and another one came...thought it'd be the same...But...This week we finished up our meal early and didn't spend the time chatting away. Miles wanted to go back up to the school grounds. Why? Who knows and asking him that kind of question would always bear no answers...He's so secretive most of the times...Guess that's what being gay is all about...

We were crossing the field. Patches of grass were dead and dried up from the hot island sun. A sprinkler was busy shooting away within its radius. And a nice warm breeze swirling around the both of us...

"Can I ask you something, Shah?"

Miles broke the harmony sounds made by the sprinkler and nature's breeze...

"Yeah. Sure. Why not?"

He turned to face me as we continued to walk side by side together.(He always looked people in the eye when in a conversation).

"What do you think of me now, Shah?"

Sounding serious I answered in that manner.

"You're okay..."

Unsatisfied at my answer he asked another.

"What about the time when you first knew I was gay? You said you hate people like me...Well, do you still have that same stand?"

I stopped walking... I'd have forgotten all about what I said that day... I didn't expected that he still remembers it... I admit I was both surprise and guilty at the thought that he still remembers what I said and what I said that day was something I am not proud of even up to this day... I faced him looking at the expression on his face. Clean and smooth and doesn't reflect his actual age...yet his eyes...his eyes has seen more than any other of my school mates in this school combined...He has seen REAL life and experienced it first hand...Like me I'm being shadowed by my parents...and a lot of things I haven't known and experienced...But he has been through that maybe even more than once...

I smiled at him held the back of his neck with one hand and brought him closer to me and I whispered to him.

"I don't hate you, Miles. I never did actually hate you. What I said at that time was all show but doesn't really mean a thing...But if it did hurt you in anyway...I'm sorry that it did..."

And I walked on but he still stood there. Knowing that, I stopped and looked back.

"What's up?"

His looks was neutral...I don't know what was he thinking at that time.

"So... what do you think of me now?"

I guess that my answer just now was unsatisfactory.

"I accept the fact that you are gay and that since it has been this long I am with you means I am comfortable with you."

"Am I still your problem student?"

Well, those words just take the cake. He and I knows why I'm with him. The task I was sent out to do, counsel him and have him repent and renounce his ways.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Why are you not telling the truth?"

"I am!"

"But you are holding something back. Why? Is it that you accept me but you still don't trust me? Was all this not for friendship but for your responsibilities as a student councellor? You're with me because you were ordered to or because you wanted to???"

I still don't understand homosexuals...they are so unpredictable...their feelings are too complex. So ever changing. So insecure. Maybe it's because of his past.... Maybe...

"Look...I don't know how to put this...but I'm not gay. I don't express my feelings so freely...I..."

"Why not?? We are not psychics who can read what everyone thinks... You and I are still humans only I love the same sex and you...you are still in the dark... at least I am sure of my self and accepted it... while you are still afraid of your own shadow! Do you know what made the world war?! It's the straights, the heterosexuals, the so called 'normal' people. Who decided to shut up and not talk of what and how they 'feel' and instead they show what they 'think' with tanks, guns and bombs!"

"But what does that have to do with anything?"

"You are mad at me because I didn't answered to you what you wanted to hear? Haven't you heard about the freedom of speech? I'll tell you what I want to tell you...you can't force me!"

"But the freedom of speech is to enable you to express whatever you feel not keep them bottled up...you did it well enough the day we first met. When you said that you HATE me. Why not express your true feelings now?"

"You want to know why?"

"Yeah I want to know."

"It's because I'm afraid I'd hurt your feelings again. I didn't understand you at first that's true...but as time passes by I see somethings a gay has that straights don't and I wanted to learn more...It's true I can accept you but for other gays... I don't know... I admit I don't have much close friends in school as I've just moved to this island like you too...but you are the closest that I can have to that... And about trust, I want to trust you but I'm still not ready yet...we only knew each other for a month and a half... And about my responsibilities...they have nothing to do with me having breaks with you...I want to be your friend. I really want to and its not just for show...There... are you happy? Is that what you want to hear?"

I didn't realize tears was rolling down my face as I express my actual feelings. That was my first time doing it and the experience was hard to explain. It felt kinda good letting some one know what you feel rather than what you think... Miles just stood there for a while staring at me... a small smile can be seen on his face...

"There now...you don't have to over express yourself like that...but I guess that was the first time you voiced out your feelings..."

He reached out his hand and wiped out my tears with his fingers. His touch was filled with such comfort I still don't understand...but I hope I will in the time to come...then more tears fell...and I started to cry... He stopped the wiping and embraced my in his arms. Holding me tightly. His hold was warm. I can feel his heart beat against mine and his breath as he whispered in my ear.

"There now...It's okay... Let it out now... Just let it out... I know the feeling of not being able to show your true feelings... Just cry it out now... and know that you have learned a very valueable lesson today..."

"I don't hate you, Miles. I don't hate you..."

"There...there...It's okay...It's okay...I don't hate you too..."

I don't know how long I was crying and I don't know how long I was crying on his shoulders... but it was a feeling I've never felt before. When I start to feel myself again I had missed a class...Maybe I had missed some important lessons for the coming test but the lesson that I learned just now was worth more... I know it because I don't know where I'd be if I didn't learn this important life lesson...

Remembering this can still bring tears...So I'll stop here for tonight and try to stop the tears from falling...Hope you guys like this...last but not least, I'd love to hear your comment...